Bubble Baths and Hair Masks…
Is Self-Care a Sensationalised Hobby?
We’ve all seen it. That online post where someone says ‘#selfcare’ and then shows a bubble bath, a glass of wine, or some food. It is around us, and it has become even bigger since the 2020 glitch. What was once an invitation to check in with yourself now becomes a ticket to book that reservation, and buy that jacket or car. But is that what self-care is?
What does it mean to care for yourself? Well, let us externalise this for a moment. What do you do when a family member or friend is sick? You might help them clean the house, do the shopping, pick up the children from school, make their meals, and sit and talk with them. You care for them Holistically- honouring the Whole person, considering them and the people around them. Caring for them you attend to what they need, and what they may want and help them in a period of restoration to full health.
Could we reframe self-care as the attunement to ourselves, refilling the tank that has been emptied? Like your phone, if it dips to 10% you are most likely to put it on charge and wait till it has more energy before unplugging. So why do we not do the same for us? Perhaps it is because of the social messages we receive, our background and our histories or maybe because searching ourselves for what we might truly need means we have to pause. We must take stock. Taking stock means we must be present and tune into our bodies, hearts, and minds. For some of us, this act is something we learned about through self-discovery. To be present and welcome yourself as you are, to listen to yourself and move in action. For some of us, even the act of sitting and going inwards is anxiety-provoking and paralysing. To know what you need you must know what you have left. In sitting and taking stock, we come face to face with our thoughts, emotions, and experiences.
In the April edition of Therapy Today (a magazine for BACP Members) Geraldine Meadows calls for us to have a ‘rebrand’ that looks at how our ‘internal world’ is functioning, to consider the energy being used, how we manage ourselves and create and establish a connection with others and ourselves. I am aware that we all have our own experiences and that for some, attuning to their whole self is frightening. It is unknown territory. Perhaps you have attempted this journey of restoring your energy and were told it was selfish or egocentric and now self-care is a humorous social slogan thrown into conversations.
What does it mean to be a caretaker to ourselves? Practically, what does that look like? Especially if we do not have the energy, motivation, or physical capacity to do so. Maybe it is asking for support, leaning on those who are stronger in this season. Or resting in the tension of ‘I cannot do everything, but I will do this one thing today.’ Self-care might be cleaning that drawer out, planning out your week so you are more organised and less stressed, going for a walk, drinking water, sitting in silence before picking up the kids or simply a hug from a loved one. When we feel we cannot do things ourselves it might mean asking someone to pick up the shopping, accepting financial support, using other services and people who might be able to fulfil the job that we would typically do.
Remember when we could go up to the cockpit of a plane and visit the pilots and get those pilot wings? I may be self-disclosing my age here, but I grew up in the days when we were able to do that. I remember the first time I went up in a cockpit somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean on a 14-hour flight. I was so surprised to see all the buttons and the controls – if you were able to do that let us just sit in that nostalgic experience. My step back into the 90’s has a point. When a pilot flies and they hear an alert, do they ignore it? Do they unplug the system and keep flying? I would hope not. I trust they would investigate what needed to be attended to. Those smaller alerts may be indicators of a bigger problem. In the same way, when we find ourselves making short comments to others, or repeating behaviours we know do not serve us well. Those alerts motivate us to investigate and problem-solve before we lose the engines and begin to freefall.
My advocacy for others to take care of themselves comes from my own experience of not doing that. Through my own life experiences, I learned how repeatedly putting things on shelves and hoping they go away means that one day the shelf will crash down and you will have to clean the mess. This sort of reckoning with yourself is brutal because you are as MJ said ‘lookin’ at the man in the mirror.’ It also comes from my own experiences of counsellors saying to me ‘Be gentle with yourself’, ‘Be kind to yourself’, and ‘Do something that resonates with you today.’ These well wishes were received as gentle reminders and ones that I pass on in my practice.
When I was training, I was also balancing a role in my local primary school and would often look forward to having my half terms to rest. In those moments I would take off from client work and create space for my tank to be refilled and restored. I remember a conversation I had once with a fellow trainee at the time who admired my structures of self-care as they shared, that they had not taken therapeutic breaks for over 6 months. I was impressed by their ability to continue therapeutic work with such rigour, but also felt compassion for them that they did not realise they could take a break. I think that the counselling profession and some of our professional memberships are still finding their feet with the idea of self-care. We are the profession driving this idea that we need to pause and take a break and rest, yet many practitioners feel they cannot because of how the system is set up. I do not think we will solve any systemic issues just yet, but maybe we need to advocate for the care of the therapist to be reflected in the professional memberships we are a part of, in the fees we pay, the room rentals we hire out (often with block bookings being the only way to secure regular sessions) and the way we connect with other therapists in the profession.
Do I think that we should cancel bubble baths and hair masks? No. Should we not afford ourselves little luxuries or pamper ourselves with things that bring us joy and pleasure? Not at all. I am offering us to consider reframing self-care in a way that advocates for our whole self. The whole idea is that self-care is an over-sensationalised, hashtag-heavy topic, but under the surface, you see the call for internal navigation and introspection. So why not start now?
Let us do it together.
Set a timer for 1 minute and sit in silence. Notice your body, and ask yourself these questions:
What does (your name) need physically?
How might I thrive emotionally today?
(Your name) what do you need spiritually in this moment?
Today, are there any financial needs or wants coming up that need my attention?
In my relationships and connections, what might I need or not need socially today?
Whatever comes up for you, move towards it without judgment. From these responses consider how you might achieve these things.
From one human to another,
Take care of yourself.
